Relearning Sexuality

01.04.2007

Nadine Thomas gives advice in
matters of sexuality © Thomas

Ms. Thomas, why is sexuality of people with disabilities still a taboo in the public?

Usually, people with handicaps have been regarded as a fringe group. They have not been connected to features like beauty and virility. Till nowadays they are still seen as “neuter” persons without having an own sexuality. That is why they do often not have a time in life when they discover their own sexuality during adolescence at which time you make your first sexual experiences - like teenagers with no disabilities. Often, affected people do not realise that something is missing in their life until adulthood. Another problem is the bad perception of the own body after years of therapies. That is the way how I felt, too. I have always been “corrected”. Physicians touch you without thinking about any limits.

Why do affected people need a counsellor who is physically handicapped, like you are?

This is so because other disabled people often feel like I did. I have been physically disabled since birth and I suffer from spastic movement disorders. Self-confidence gets often hurt through a disability and one needs someone to give advice how to change this. I learned to accept myself they way I am through conversations with other disabled persons and my training for sexual counselling, at the ISBB-Academy in Trebel, Germany, which lasted six months. Those people who need advice now benefit from my experiences.
During counselling hours, I am able to reduce inhibitions in other disabled people when it comes down to sex. This does not happen straight away, sometimes it takes a few sessions. I give the women advice for further workshops or books where they can learn more about positions during intercourse which are comfortable for paraplegias – like lying on one side or to support the legs with pillows.

How does a session proceed?

The sessions take place via telephone or personally – if wanted, several times as well. Up to now I have dealt with women. This is better for the peer counselling effect – a disabled woman gives advice to disabled women. First of all, people tell me what problems they have. Amongst other things, I also show how they can masturbate. I give advice and if required I explain how auxiliary means and sex toys function.

 
Even a romantic dinner
animates the senses
© PixelQuelle.de

What problems do physically disabled people have with their sexuality?

Paraplegia and multiple sclerosis mostly occur during the course of life. People have to cope with this new situation. As a consequence they are often disappointed and helpless. Especially in sexual matters they have never had any problems before and then they suddenly experience after an accident or commencing MS that it is not as it used to be anymore. For this reason, their self esteem declines and problems with the partner can grow.

What can affected people do in such cases?

During all crises couples should talk about their expectations and what they are able to do and what not. Otherwise, disappointments are pre-programmed. A person has to have the courage to say: “It is not how it used to be, but I still love you.” I also tell them to try out everything and to find out what they like. I show them how fantasy may exalt sensuality and even touching without sex may be erotic through applying some lotion on each other or through flirting during a romantic dinner. In any case they should take time and look for alternatives.

Which influence does it have if the life partner is taking care for the disabled person?

If the affected person is cared by the partner both of them have to find out whether it is okay or not. It is hard to separate care and contact. It needs a lot of self discipline. If care giving predominates the partnership there is a danger of losing a part of sexual life. If one wants to avoid such a thing an external nurse could be called. That way the partner is not occupied with care every morning. Through this the couple may enjoy its time together and try how sexual activities can go on despite nappies for incontinence or other restrictions.

 
Quicken the imagination
© PixelQuelle.de

How can people without a partner live their sexuality?

I encourage them to masturbate. Affected people have to figure out how they can do this on their own. They also can use fantasy, films or erotic texts to achieve sensual experiences. Another way is “sexual companionship” which has been and is in the centre of current discussion. It means that professionally trained persons give disabled people physical endearments like stimulating massages. Critics put it on the same level as prostitution. I have only heard of the companionship without sex, though. It is rather supposed to let the disabled person realise: „My body is not that terrible. Others can still touch it.”

Are there any special auxiliary means for people with paraplegia?

There are normal sex toys which can be found in the internet for example. They already give you a lot of ideas. And you can consider how to construct something with pillows or boxes where a sex toy, like a dildo, can be attached so that it can be used without help. Or disabled people dare to ask somebody to build a toy especially for them, although most are too ashamed to ask for this.

What should people with paraplegia do for a fulfilled sexuality?

They should not see disability and sexuality as taboos or disasters. And they should talk to their partner. Sexual counselling and companionship can show: “Hey, I am not just a crippled body, but I am also beautiful.”

REHACARE.de

- More on Nadine Thomas at: www.hilfe-z-s-leben.de
- More about the association Autonom Leben e.V in Hamburg at: www.autonomleben.de