„Founding an Own Self-help Group“ - Ingrid Gerber about single mothers of disabled children

They are under more pressure than others: those that have a handicapped child and no partner. Most of the time it is the mother who cares for the children after a separation which often results in her having to neglect own needs. However, hardly anybody seems to be interested in this fact.

That is why three and a half years ago Ingrid Gerber has founded a self-help group in Bonn, Germany, for women in that situation. REHACARE.de talked with her about her experiences as a single mother of a handicapped child.

01.08.2008

REHACARE.de: Mrs. Gerber, it is not known how many one-parent families with handicapped children there are in Germany and there exists no literature on that subject. Why is nobody interested in those people's situation?
Ingrid Gerber: I assume that the focus in a family with a handicapped child lies on the disability or illness. Beyond it, single mothers certainly do not have the time and strength to draw attention to themselves and their difficult situation.

REHACARE.de: What was the most difficult thing for you as a single mother of a handicapped child?
Gerber: In the beginning the most difficult thing was the helplessness concerning the handicap. Up to the diagnosis ‘juvenile osteoporosis‘ which describes easily fracturing bones everyone told me something different. You have to argue with doctors and therapists and make all - sometimes very far-reaching decisions - on your own. Certainly, at the beginning of the illness I often wished to have some support by the father.

REHACARE.de: Are single-parent families with handicapped children a "twofold burdened group"?
Gerber: I think the term burdened is discriminating because it is imposed from the outside – it should not be called this because it only draws attention to the negative sides. Certainly we are demanded in a special way but I also see many advantages and chances in this way of life.

REHACARE.de: And what are the positive sides of being a single parent of a handicapped child?
Gerber: My son’s handicap has opened new worlds to me that I would have never gotten to know otherwise. My son and I met strong people that did sports for disabled who became role models in how to cope with a handicap. Marcel was so impressed by their positive attitude to life that he told me: 'Mummy if I had not become ill we would not have gotten to know these great people at all.'

REHACARE.de: Single parents often have financial problems. How is the situation with a handicapped child?
Gerber: Finding a job as single parents with a handicapped child is difficult. We are a risk for employers because the child is often ill and needs even more care. Therefore, we cannot be very flexible. A lot of single mothers depend on state subsidy especially when fathers do not pay child support.

REHACARE.de: Through the constant burden single parents are often psychologically and physically overworked. What can they do for themselves, so that they do not break down?
Gerber: They could try to create space and time for themselves. For some women this can be a mother-child cure, for others a coffee in the city or a good book. Above all I think it is important to deal with the situation constructively.

REHACARE.de: You are alone with two sons – this is a big job. Why do you in addition to this also lead a self-help group for other single parents with handicapped children that meet once a month?
Gerber: I have brought the group to life because there was no other offer for our situation. Thus, I wanted to create another forum. It is good to meet other women who are in the same situation as I am because to them I do not have to explain everything. A person from the outside could never give so much empathy. We exchange our experiences on everyday problems. Which school form is suitable for my child? When will the next operation take place? We all enjoy these meetings.

REHACARE.de: Where can single mothers with a handicapped child get advice?
Gerber: I think there are no official contact points for our situation in Germany. Family self-help is best of all suitable for everyday questions. However, there are only few self-help groups like ours – in Hamburg and close to Munich. That is all.

REHACARE.de: How could this be changed?
Gerber: By founding an own self-help group. All you need is just some courage.

The interview was conducted by Natascha Mörs.

REHACARE.de