Similar to what happens at "Geschwisterzeit Rhein-Main", the sibling meetings or online group also show that it helps to be among like-minded people who understand your situation despite their own individual and unique circumstances. "The first thing you notice in our meetings is that many other people share the same concerns and have the same questions as you do. People who understand exactly what you are up against because they are in the same situation and don’t need a big explanation of your setting." Needless to say, this helps to process your own problems or issues and you can ask other participants for their advice based on their own experiences.
There are also other aspects that clearly overlap with those issues you had as a child when it comes to dealing with each other and the role of parents. Depending on the severity of the disability, the care situation later on in life becomes a major issue. And that brings us back to the subject of overprotection and overburdening, as the co-founder of erwachsene-geschwister.de can also attest to. "It is very natural for parents to be driven by their parental care instinct. And that’s a good thing. However, this can also take forms that cause problems. Parents should ensure that children with disabilities can become independent, grown up and don’t rely on their parents. After all, when the parents are old and suddenly no longer able to do as much as they did before for their child, it‘s too late."
Velten had a frank conversation with his brother and parents to discuss what he is able and willing to do – and what he isn’t able to do. Since then, he feels better, even if his honesty was very hard to take for his brother. Nevertheless, Velten recommends for families to always be open and honest and talk about subjects like long-term care and/or the living and care situation, the parent’s will and mutual expectations. It is important for parents to understand that the brother or sister of a sibling with a disability cannot take on the same responsibilities and duties they have assumed because of their parental care instinct. After all, "disabled adults are also adults. Treat them as such, no matter what impairments or challenges they might have." Having said that, it is also important for the healthy or non-disabled sibling "to acknowledge my feelings, recognize them and maybe question them, regardless of whether they commonly have a negative or positive connotation." Velten adds that every relationship between siblings is "unique and can sometimes be more or less loving, amicable or sometimes even problematic."
Given all of the knowledge he has today, Sascha Velten would like to give his younger self the following advice: "Try to understand your feelings. Try to get a sense of what you truly feel and what you want for yourself. Set yourself free from any responsibility. You are a child and you are not responsible for your siblings or your parents. You are responsible for your own happiness."
Having said that, it’s not as if his brother didn’t have a special place in his life or that Velten was missing something in his childhood. "I wasn’t bothered by my situation as a child. I gladly did what I did and it all felt good. It’s not until today – thirty years later – that I am able to give myself this advice."