Love and disability: why so many prejudices – and what truly matters

When the basic need for closeness and connection is acted upon, things can quickly become complicated – especially when it comes to dating. Many non-disabled people carry prejudices that are hard to overcome. They often assume that people with disabilities might be too dependent in a relationship, or that experiencing sexuality with them would be difficult or even impossible. As a result, people with disabilities are quickly ruled out as potential partners. Anton K.* had exactly this experience:

"Before my current relationship, I spent years – mainly online – looking for a partner. But every time I mentioned my disability, the contact broke off."

Carina S.* had similar experiences. Like many others, she fell in love from time to time – and of course, sometimes faced rejection. "It was always important for me to distinguish clearly between rejection because of the wheelchair and rejection for all kinds of other reasons," says the Austrian, who has been consciously living without the desire for a relationship for many years now. "But I’ve learned that all potential partners naturally – and rightfully – had fears about my wheelchair or my disability. How should they know how it all works? For me it was always clear that I had to take the first step and ease their fears – with words and actions."

But even for people with disabilities, having a partner with a disability is not always an automatic choice:

"I’ve met many men who were born with a disability," says Claudia G.*, who has a mobility impairment and uses a wheelchair. "They often seemed very dependent and stuck in self-pity. That really didn’t appeal to me! But a disability is not automatically a dealbreaker for me!"

Maria E.*, who is autistic, also says she currently cannot imagine being in a relationship with someone who has the same disability: "I rather need someone who makes up for the parts I lack. Someone who’s good with people or who doesn’t get overwhelmed easily. Another disability, like a physical one, doesn’t matter to me though."

"This may sound crazy, but I just can’t imagine having a partner with a (visible) disability," admits Denise H. "It’s something I simply couldn’t commit to. I’d be so afraid of being judged by society, with comments like 'Good thing people with disabilities stick to their own kind' or criticism like 'How can you be so irresponsible – if both of you have a disability and have children, who’s going to take care of them?' That would just be too emotionally overwhelming for me."

Harsh words? Perhaps. But it’s a reality many face. Partners without disabilities are often confronted with assumptions: that they must be making huge compromises, or with disbelief that they would choose to be with someone who has a disability at all.

Claudia G.* can relate: "Questions like 'Do you really think he loves you? Don’t you think he’s only with you out of pity?' – those are real. Partners have to hear things like that again and again."

Jan T., who has spasticity himself, had similar experiences: "My non-disabled partner first had to learn what it’s like to walk through the city with me and deal with people’s stares. Phrases like 'Come on, we’ll take care of it for you. That spastic guy can’t do it anyway.' – those stay with you."

Of course, reactions from others don’t stop anyone from falling in love – especially those who are open to diversity in all areas of life. Whether or not a person has a disability says nothing about who they are or what kind of partner they might be.

"I wish I’d finally find someone who accepts me just as I am: open, honest, sometimes loud, sometimes quiet – and also disabled," says Vanessa R.*. "Since I’ve grown up with my disability, it’s as much a part of me as my eye color. And just like eye color, disability shouldn’t be the main factor when choosing a partner – but sadly, that still feels quite utopian to me."

Yet the results of a survey among people with various disabilities – on which this article is based – show that there is reason for hope. Of course, there were also respondents who said they had never been in a relationship, reportedly due to their disability. But there were many who have been in happy relationships for years and had positive experiences even before that. Among them were bisexual people, as well as those who live aromantic lives and are content with that. Many respondents waver between disappointment and the hope of finding love soon. Others have already found it.

A small cross-section, but one that offers a glimpse of the bigger picture: love comes and goes – with or without disability.

* = Names changed by editorial team

Originally published on: January 03, 2017
Last updated on: June 24, 2025